Cruel Twist

The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley...

Tonight was the culmination of all of my fears. It didn't matter to him that it took me three months to make it. That I just wanted one picture. He didn't even need to smile. Just not scream. But he did...

I made an appointment to get pictures done at a very nice place. We get there and they are crazy busy. We wait over fifty minutes and then when it's our time all he does is scream. No amount of pleading will save me. And as his screams rise ever higher all my hope streams out of me and the tears begin to push their way out. I manage to tell them that I am giving up and won't be rescheduling. As I walk out I can feel all eyes on me. My tears pool and every face is a blur within the sadness of my broken wish.

It's so hard when control slips from your fingers. You grasp at it. You plead. You offer. And before you realise it you have already lost it. Three months gone. Sleepless nights worthless. The reward I saw in sight disappears when it's seconds away.

Tonight I play Miss You by Blink 182. And I miss someone. I miss Georgetown. I miss the future that could have been. I mourn for the choices. As I well know we all make choices and we have to live with how that turns out. We have to move on. But tonight I miss you, miss you.

That is in the past. And I will leave it there. Even when he reads this and calls me I will ignore the phone best to let it lie. My life was too complicated when I was living in the present, but clutching on the past.

Some days I do wish that I could glimpse what it would have been like if I had chosen differently. Maybe not as great as I think. Probably not. I think the Dixie Chick song Favorite Year says it nicely...
Holding on to the memories
Of when we were younger
I can't forget
Cause when we were together
That's when I was at my best

Now I wipe the tears away. Put the past in the past. Put on my smile to go face my present. I will remind myself that my life is not so bad. Three months lost isn't that much. Hope is meant to be dashed. I couldn't do anymore than I did. It was out of my hands. It is just a Christmas picture. It is just a sweater. I can't find my value in that.

In the background, Miss You fills the air.

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
this sick strange darkness
comes creeping on so haunting every time
and as I stared I counted
webs from all the spiders
catching thing and eating their insides
like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason (except it was me was did the treason)
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight