Is Santa Here Yet?

So I won't be sleeping tonight. Baking. The eggnog pie turned out really well. The creme brulee french toast went well too. Then the cookies ginger molasses failed miserably. I hate being hit and miss. That is how my baking is sometimes great, sometimes bad. The rest of the dough for this is going in the trash. Now I am working on the whiskey bars. I don't know how they will go. Wish I had a mixer! Then since the first cookies failed I am deciding on another cookie sugar. There are two recipes I am chosing from. Tomorrow I will do the green bean casserole. I have been working like crazy on my mom's socks and Judy's baby blanket for little baby Olivia. So I can't find the first of the socks! Now I can't measure the second to the first to see when I should stop. I also still have to sew in ends and wrap the presents. I still have to finish Britt's jacket. I hope Mountain Dew can keep me up long enough. The house still needs hours of cleaning. Bullocks!!! How about that holiday cheer... bring on the Jack and Coke!

Holiday Time Equals Hard Liquer

So the theme of the food for this Christmas is knock them off their feet. I have picked several things that are filled with alcohol. Rum and whiskey will be pouring through our pores. Eggnog that is spiked! Eggnog pie which is filled with rum. Whiskey desert bars from the Deen brothers which looks really good. Plus, for our non-drinking visitors. Those weirdos! Ginger molasses chewy cookies and creme brulee french toast for breakfast. Plus my mom is bring up bread and a turkey. Thank heavens because I can't do turkeys. Plus salad and green bean casserole. I am a little overwhelmed at the goals I have set for myself and getting them done. I will write more on this later.

It's Almost New Year's Resolution

I was reading an article about a woman who is a single mom. All of her married friends call her and complain about how their husbands don't do things the way they want them done. The woman was saying hey at least you have a husband! This made me think... I don't often appreciate the good things about my family. So I am resolving from now on to think before I complain. To not get upset needlessly. To remember what all the person does do when I am faced with what they are not doing. I know I use harsh words and words have staying power. I want to bring that down. It has always been in my nature to exaggerate. I make mountains out of specs. I want to bring that down as well. Even if I think a story needs more to make it better I will resist the urge. I will fight that need to impress or to make my life seem wonderfully exciting. I will practice living in the moment and being happy. I will push through my fear of the medical profession because I love my family and friends and want to be around them for a lot more years. I am really excited about 2009 more than any year in the past! I feel like this is my year to JUST DO IT!!!

It's Just A Feel Good Thing!!!

This is a subject I will probably come back to again and again...

Some songs if you just want to feel good or inspired...

Rod Stewart's Forever Young
I am listening to this right as I type and I am dancing. Standing up typing dancing. Yes people it's that wonderful! No arguments! =) It's the lyrics; it's the music; it's everything! Listen to it now and may you remain forever young! =)

Avril Lavigne's Keep Holding On

This song just fires me up for some reason. It inspires me. It makes me feel medieval and ready to go into battle! I feel ready to go on a journey and conquer the world. Bring evil down and good shall prevail!!! You get the picture...

Your not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side you know I'll take your hand
when it gets cold
and it feel like the end
There's no place to go you know I wont give in
No I wont give in
Keep holdin' on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
So far away i wish you were here
before it's too late this could all disappear
before the doors close,this comes to an end
but with you by my side i will fight and defend
i'll fight and defend
Keep holdin' on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Hear me when i say, when i say
i believe
nothings gonna change, nothings gonna change destiny
what ever is meant to be
will work out perfectly...
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Cruel Twist

The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley...

Tonight was the culmination of all of my fears. It didn't matter to him that it took me three months to make it. That I just wanted one picture. He didn't even need to smile. Just not scream. But he did...

I made an appointment to get pictures done at a very nice place. We get there and they are crazy busy. We wait over fifty minutes and then when it's our time all he does is scream. No amount of pleading will save me. And as his screams rise ever higher all my hope streams out of me and the tears begin to push their way out. I manage to tell them that I am giving up and won't be rescheduling. As I walk out I can feel all eyes on me. My tears pool and every face is a blur within the sadness of my broken wish.

It's so hard when control slips from your fingers. You grasp at it. You plead. You offer. And before you realise it you have already lost it. Three months gone. Sleepless nights worthless. The reward I saw in sight disappears when it's seconds away.

Tonight I play Miss You by Blink 182. And I miss someone. I miss Georgetown. I miss the future that could have been. I mourn for the choices. As I well know we all make choices and we have to live with how that turns out. We have to move on. But tonight I miss you, miss you.

That is in the past. And I will leave it there. Even when he reads this and calls me I will ignore the phone best to let it lie. My life was too complicated when I was living in the present, but clutching on the past.

Some days I do wish that I could glimpse what it would have been like if I had chosen differently. Maybe not as great as I think. Probably not. I think the Dixie Chick song Favorite Year says it nicely...
Holding on to the memories
Of when we were younger
I can't forget
Cause when we were together
That's when I was at my best

Now I wipe the tears away. Put the past in the past. Put on my smile to go face my present. I will remind myself that my life is not so bad. Three months lost isn't that much. Hope is meant to be dashed. I couldn't do anymore than I did. It was out of my hands. It is just a Christmas picture. It is just a sweater. I can't find my value in that.

In the background, Miss You fills the air.

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
this sick strange darkness
comes creeping on so haunting every time
and as I stared I counted
webs from all the spiders
catching thing and eating their insides
like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason (except it was me was did the treason)
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight

Dear Society of Perfectionists

Consider this my resignation notice. I am giving up my role as President for the remainder of 2008. I no longer have the time nor desire to lead the way as the top of the pile of what I presently consider crazy people. I no longer care that things aren't exactly the way they should be to show everyone how much like our mentor Martha Stewart I can be. The Christmas pictures will get out. But this year I will not be sealing all 116 letters with a wax seal, the sweater is knit but one would not know it was the same pattern, a boy will be wearing a girl shirt. So what if it has puffy sleeves. It was the only white short sleeve shirt to be found. It will be under a sweater so no one will know that they sleeves are puffy except me. The addresses on the Christmas cards this year will not be written using calligraphy. Everyone can deal with it. I will not have the nicest Christmas cards on the planet this year. Therefore I resign. May someone who cares more and has more idle time strive after these trifles. I will add as a side note that I do not swear however that I will not try and reclaim the title next year after my brief sabbatical.

Death by...

Cake please let it be chocolate cake....

SIZE ONE BAMBOO NEEDLES!!!

Come on I picked the cake, man you suck!



So here I sit listening to Sufjan Stevens Christmas album. Typing to give my hands a break from what is currently leading to my being deformed. Size one bamboo needles and cotton yarn. Red cotton yarn as irony would have it. I am not bleeding yet, but just wait till the sewing part comes. I am sure I will be then as I stink at sewing. But wait what luck through yonder window crashes... the yarn is red so any drops will be hidden? I guess that will have to be the highlight of said excursion. I don't know what made me think something this complicated would be a good idea and that I could get it done in two months. I know I get bored easily, but come on your killing me smalls.

Knitting is sucking in general. I take a look at other projects and cringe at the mistakes. Even the baby blanket for my best friend just whispered to me "hey dumbie when you convert a pattern you need to double check before you just start on it". Well, f-you blanket! But drat if you aren't right. Now I need to go back several rows and when I was just about to finish the ball too. The Dec. the 25th my dear, projects are hmmm how shall I say..... burned! I want to burn them all! Whose with me? A bonfire of failure! An offering to the gods of knitting so that maybe my luck or sanity will change.

Also, on the Christmas front.... Where the heck are my packages? I want what I ordered you darn online stores! Three to five days my a**! Everyday you mock me as with childish hope I run to the door at every knock only to find you have prevailed again. Oh the mockery! Oh the door to door salesmen. I desperately need a force field to block those guys. Or maybe a NO SOLICITING SIGN!!!

Happy 14 days till Christmas. May your hands knit quick, your yarn never run out, and may you find out you possess more skills than you thought. Or else may you always have alcohol at hand.


Okay so are we still no one the cake!?!

That Darn Glass

Little while ago I was with some friends and someone mentioned that I was the type of person whose glass is brimming over. Meaning that I am a very positive person. This made me think... Am I a positive person really or is it just a face I show? I know for a fact that I am more positive/accepting of other people. I also know that I am very harsh towards myself. Little things bring on loathing or depression. I do know that I use humor so I make light of almost everything which I guess could be seen as being happy. The funny thing is that I despise those always happy people. I want to shake them. "Show some emotion. Wipe that smile off your face." But maybe I am jealous because if they truly are happy inside and out then man they suck. haha Maybe I am more positive than I see myself. Friends typically see me as positive. Those who live with me say most of the time just not about myself. I will say this is having hope is positive if wanting to see the best in people is positive then... YES!!! I am positive in that respect. But I see that more as being a hippie. I am truly a mixed up individual because I hope for the best in people, but I rarely trust them. I am insane seriously so what can one say. If I appear to be positive them I am glad of that I can only hope that someday it will sink in all the way.



What is making me crazy:
~Swaps for knitting groups
~Cutting and sewing sweater
~Cocktail parties
~Corsets
~Holiday Parties
~Swaps, Swaps, SWAPS!!! =(

Currently:
Avoiding what I should be doing by reading Hawthorne (yes I know I have no one to blame but myself another bad thing about me when the going gets tough I get going doing something other than what I should be doing arrgggg!!!)

One's Self

I think there is a vast spectrum of being okay with one's self. It can go all the way from hating yourself to being narcissistic. Neither one of these being something one should choose to emulate. Within that spectrum there are all types. People who can't stand to be alone. People who love to be alone. I believe that when we are forced to be alone with ourselves great things can come from it. A greater knowledge of one's self. If being alone scares the crap out of you... If the idea of being at home for one night with no one to talk to but the inner voice we all have then it is probably time to seriously take a look at yourself. I believe it is important to frequently if not at least occasionally take a look at who we are and where we are going. I relish this time alone. Probably so much so that I am on the bad end of the spectrum. I love driving in the car alone. I love having a night to myself at the bookstore or having a day with only me in the house. I love having no one to answer to for that brief interlude. I do want I want listen to what I want wear what and say what I want. The problem with giving one's self so much time to analyse their life is that often times the more scrutinize something the more problems we are likely to see. I am a prime example of this. I see all sorts of problems. I see areas where I am not satisfied where I want more. Maybe being too busy to think is bliss. The problem comes when we take a good look at our life and choose to remain stagnant. The point of time alone and is to decide. Carpe diem. But yet how do we find the line between doing what one wants and being selfish. The truth is that it is different for every person and changes as we ourselves change.

Something to escape

I truly believe that we all have something we do to escape. It can anything. Some people drink, eat, exercise, read, write, knit, paint, sleep, drive, take baths, watch movies etc. One can do these things to escape a number of things. Sometimes we do them to escape feeling. Sometimes we do them to lose ourselves in another world. Sometimes we create the world in which we want to escape. One can lose themselves in books, movies, sleep, stitches. Something that allows us to forget just for a moment something that plagues us. The loss of someone we love. The loss of something we have yet to even experience. We lose ourselves to not be alone. To hide even from ourselves truths which we cannot acknowledge. We lose ourselves because it is easier than to try for our dreams. If you never try you never fail. And failing is one of the worst pains. We lose ourselves so the life around us does not seep through. Because none of us truly wishes to experience the whole of ourselves. Thoughts that we keep even from ourselves. The things unsaid. The life we avoid. The things we place to try and fill it. Some are better liars having convinced themselves this is untrue. Could not possibly concern them. Yet, if breath is to be found in a body it is true. We all have things to uncover, discover, and recover about ourselves.

It's beginning to look a bit like Christmas

I say a bit because here there will be no snow. For one to say a lot like Christmas my soul yearns for there to be snow. I went on my 3 mile run the other night and saw Christmas trees shining out and greeting me from within peoples' homes. A shipment came in the mail containing some gifts I purchased for friends. Last night up in the wee hours I could be found wrapping presents while Finding Neverland played on the television. Indeed, it is a magical time. I feel the spirit of giving in an almost posessed way. I want to give a plethera of gifts to everyone I know, nay everyone I see. I love filling my arms well sought after treasures and walking to the cash register to buy them. I am a wrapping paper fiend. Having currently in my posession over thrity rolls of wrapping paper. I love it when each present is wrapped in a different paper. Alas, I do not yet have enough rolls to do that with all the people to buy for and all that I buy them. I once met a woman who kept a scrapbook of little remenants of wrapping paper that she used through out the year. A woman after my own heart. Enjoy the magic of the season. Allow it to fill you and as always spread love.

Runner's High

So I have heard tale of a thing called a runner's high. I am wondering how long one must run before they reach this fantastic zenoth. I currently run 3 miles a couple of times a week. My current pace is just barely under an 8 minute mile. I am hoping by the new year to be able to run 5 miles at just above 7 minutes per mile. I must admit that the more I run the more I love it, but I do worry about what it is doing to my joints.

Currently...
Reading:
~Dracula by Bram Stroker
~The Wise Woman by Philippa Gregory
~Six Wives by David Starkey
~Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen
~The House of Seven Gables by Nathaniel Hawthorne
Watching:
~Sweeney Todd
~Helena Bonham Carter Biographies
Knitting:
~Socks
~Small sweater
~Large sweater
~Jacket
~Felted Bowl
Crazed by:
~Looming NaNoWriMo deadline
Excited about:
~Seeing Jorge and DJ this weekend!!!
~Renfest

Title of the blog

The title of this blog is a wonderful quote from the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind starring one of my favorite actresses Kate Winslet. Here is the full quote...

The lines are from Alexander Pope's poem "Eloisa to Abelard"
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

This is one of my favorite movies because of the spirit of Kate's character Clementine. I feel a desire to be more like her. So free, so careless. I also love the idea of lovers being so drawn to each other that even if their memory of their time together is erased they will still gravitate to one another. Beautiful.