STASH

April:
+197
-1,229
= (-1,032)

About -2,000 total this year.

Oh Month of Vacation!

I am really happy right now! So happy that it would probably disgust people if I fully told them. I think I am happy because I am making choices that are bringing me closer to the way I see myself inside. I am challenging myself to reach new goals and to push my body to do things that I thought would be too hard. It feels great!

April went really well. I believe I met every single goal with the exception of buying yarn, but I ran out of yarn six rows till the end of the BSJ and really you can't just leave it like that so I had to buy one more skein. I plan on adding a tomten hood now so that there isn't any remnants. The trees in the backyard look beautiful and I realize that I look after them with the diligence that some people might look after their pets. Every day inspecting looking for a new leaf or blossom. Eagerly watching for the peaches to grow bigger and bigger. Watering and adding compost; constantly checking on them. They are a part of my family and give me a ton of happiness to see them growing and know that they are helping this earth.

So goals for May:
~Continue pushing myself to go that extra mile or extra minutes
~Continue to eat/fuel myself non-stop
~Knit over 2,000
~Finish some books that have been plaguing me (Cryptonomicon you know who you are you 940 page book)
~Have Judy's b-day present done and mailed off BEFORE her b-day
~Perfect the spare 'oom (Narnia reference)
~Have a wonderful, happy, stress-free, enjoying each other vacation!!!

Gig that darn frog

So every single thing I have taken up to knit lately, I have had to frog at least once. I was going on my merry way with a Baby Surprise Jacket and had to frog a couple of rows, but I was still happy. Now I find that I have to frog even more! Arggh!!! I want to just knit something I have never had this many problems with knitting in my entire time doing it. Where is my brain? I just knit and knit and then stop to read the pattern and whoops I did it again. Am I getting over confident and not reading the pattern enough? Obviously so. I just want to read the directions once and go! I am hating this constant referring back. Yet, I am loving my BSJ! I love the idea of it and I LOVE the way the yarn is knitting up in the pattern. Because of this darn frog I want to stop what I messed up on and start afresh with something untainted. This leads to LOTS of UFO's. Problems, problems, problems! I think I need to think about what this says about my character while using some Malabrigo to begin knitting a Clapotis. ;)

April Goals

So I met all of my March goals!!! April Fools! =( I met none of them. I added more to my stash than I knit and I didn't run 5x a week only 3x a week. I also only completed 2 books. Must do better this month.
April Goals:
~NO BUYING YARN!!!
~Knit: MD wash clothes, a pair of socks, more of W sweater & blue socks
~Read: Finish 5 books this month
~Health try the Biggest Loser 30 Day Jump Start
~Be a size smaller by end of month

Stash:
March-
+1,658
-1,216
Month Total +442
Year thus far -988

March Madness

So it is half way through the month... How am I doing on meeting my goals? Not great. I am only about a third of the way there. You know what I would really love to do right now..... Go to our cabin on the lake and just watch movies that I loved as a kid while I knit. I would love to take a walk around the lake. I am feeling really reflective right now. I love history the world and in my own life. I like to be friends with people forever. I love having known a friend for a long time. Having shared memories of important times in our lives because we have known each other so long. That is where I feel safe. Feel I have some connection. Giving up an old friendship is hard for me. I will drive hours both ways just for a birthday party, baby shower, funeral, kid's soccer game, Christmas party. It doesn't matter. If my friend wants me there I will be there. Yet, I feel weird like I am the only person who does this. I go to the birthdays and everyone is from their church and I am the weird one who drove hours to come. People that I see several times a year, but it is always catching up. Everyone else knows what happened in there lives a couple of days ago I am finding out stuff from weeks sometimes even months. Yet, I can't give it up. I need that connection.... Someone who knew me when...

Birthday Month

Well, my birthday is coming soon and I am shifting this blog and my life! I would really like to use this blog to state where I am in terms of my goals for this year. Not as much personal stuff; okay well there will still be some announcements. So here goes...

Congrats Cortney on beautiful baby Isabella weighing in at just over 7 lbs. I am knitting up a ton of cute stuff for the shower on the 15th of this month.

February was one of the best months in recent history. Super fun times with friends going to see movies and hanging out. Some that I haven't seen awhile. Using up yarn. Devoting time to working out. Still some things were not as I would have wished and some things that were tragic the death of a good friend and her two babies.

So the goals for this month's knitting:
-Use 3,000 yards from stash
-Knit for Cortney's Shower
-Finish up things and start Will's sweater

Book goals:
-Finish three books this month
-Go to book club

Working out goals:
-Weights twice a week
-Running or kickboxing 5x week

Stash to this point:
Jan (-1,850)
Feb (-1,000) (+ 1,420)
Total of (-1,430)

SHE WON!!!

Kate Winslet won the Oscar for Best Actress for the Reader! I was screaming and crying! Go Kate you are such an inspiration to people everywhere. I loved seeing your dad so funny. I feel like all is right with the world because her talent is recognized. I must say that I thought it would be for Revolutionary Road which I found to be the better film, but I am still glad she won. Oh, and why didn't R.R. win any awards? Maybe because two films walked away with almost everything. I still need to see Slum dog Millionaire. I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and liked it, but I still loved Revolutionary Road the most of all of those films nominated.

Oh what a beautiful morning...

Today has been really great. I think that is in part to the fantastic weekend which proceeded it. Jaden and I have been out watering the trees in the backyard and I have been planning stuff for outside. Then I actually went grocery shopping with just myself and Jaden. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. hehe

So the weekend...

Friday: Some hanging out at Zhana's house with a couple other people.

Sat: Potluck and then Sock class. I definitely had a better time at the sock class. I think this time I noticed being ignored. I was just sitting knitting and I would realize that everyone was talking and I was on my own. I am perfectly okay with being on my own and am actually turned off by needy people, but I felt like I should make an effort to talk to others even if they didn't talk to me. So I ended up talking to a 18 yr. old boy exchange student who doesn't even knit. LOL Sock class was good I really like Amber one of the girls there. I love how she sees things and am kind of sad that she will be moving to Austin soon. The best part of the night for me was getting to see the United States of Tara!!! I absolutely love this show. Great cast and hilarious writing. It's not often that I find something I enjoy every aspect. Got home at 3am and then went to bed at 4am.

Sun: Wake up too early for the tiredness I felt, threw on some clothes, and left for Jorge and DJ's so much fun. Every time I am around them I am reminded of how much I would like to hang out with them all the time! Something interesting to say on every topic. I walk away from time with them a better person and I love them for that. They got Jaden a little Barrel of Monkeys game and we all went out to eat at possibly the most beautiful restaurant in the city. Jaden loved the birds and fountains. I loved my pina colada. Lots of alcohol this weekend. They told me the names of lots of great restaurants that I didn't even know of. See that's the walking away smarter. Love you guys!

Today I bought a bird feeder. I want a bird bath as well and some backyard toys for Jaden and a garden and hehehe. I love seeing the wildlife in the backyard. I have been reading a ton of blogs online recently and everyone has pictures! I must learn how to do this because my blog is boring even me. hehe

Where's my flippin' gene?

I tried again to make bread with the worst results yet. I don't even know if I did the yeast right because I did something else much worse. I put the bowl the bread was rising on the stove because I remembered it needed to be in a warm place. My stove has this warm setting in the middle so I turn it on and left the bread there. Half of my bread is now cooked and the other half of the bowl is still dough. And by cooked I mean black and I burned myself. Then I ruined the rest of dinner. Added too much angel hair and cooked it too long. Craptacular!

So the Spence gals called me today. They had read my blog and thought I could use some fun. Would I like to go to Las Vegas with them for a long weekend? Hmm, yeah, a 2 yr. old in Vegas oh wait I think I hear CPS knocking at my door. They wanted me to just drop him off at someone's house for 4 days. haha Girls I love you, but seriously! But they are going to have some cocktails for me. ;)

So I didn't do one selfish or enjoyable thing all day. I cleaned, cooked, dusted, laundry, etc. Do I feel good about all I accomplished? No because I failed at cooking! But I have my Modest Mouse to get me through my failure and my burnt finger. I am going to take my MM on the road. Pound the pavement. It gets me through a lot these days. Every worry or pissed off feeling I imagine my foot slamming it out of my mind.

I can't wait for Spring this gal needs life blossoming around her. I need the flowers growing the trees getting leaves and the peaches coming into view. I need an adventure maybe I will run to California my favorite place.

Valentine's Weekend

One of the best Thursday through Sunday's on record:

Thurs: Jaden was FANTASTIC all morning. I mean the angel child. I was in heaven. That night I had a scavenger hunt to find my gifts which were Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, Prince Caspian, and Golden Compass. Plus a day off of work! So late into the night watching Golden Compass and knitting!

Fri: Fun family time. Then shopping for summer clothes for Jaden. Then girl's night out!!! California Pizza Kitchen with the girls. yummy Then CORALINE!!! Fantastic wonderful film! Best cartoon by that director yet! Then hang out with the girls at Starbucks just chilling and talking about life.

Sat: Wake up in a blur from night out lateness. Up really early and then off to Austin with Kate, Lauren, & MB to meet the Ravelry crew sans Bob. Fun at the Knitting Nest. I bought yarn. I know. I know. But I got a cute bag to immortalize Ravelry visiting Texas with the purchase! Let's see I bought three skeins of Peace Fleece and two of Cascade 220 Superwash. The good thing about this purchase is that I will be knitting it up quickly and then it leaves my house! Then wonderful after the long wait bunch at Magnolia. Then Hill Country Weavers were some perfect retro 70's sock yarn screamed "you must own me I am so cool and no one realizes it!" Then to the most awesome random thing in the city. Hey, Cupcake! Gives me faith in this world that something as strange as this can bloom and thrive. Bought Will half a dozen basically one of every cupcake they had. Then with a promise of a tattoo in the future the weary travels returned home. Where I collapsed while he and Jaden ate almost all of the cupcakes.

Sun: Knitting and reading plenty. Highlight... we bought Jaden a bubble blowing machine. Took it out in the front yard and literally filled the street with bubbles. Jaden running around crazy playing. So fantastic. The neighborhood kids taking pictures of all of the bubbles with their phones. Some of them even chased after the bubbles. Laying on the driveway starring at a fantastical world. Priceless. Leaving out the bad parts of the car breaking down because the bubbles blew the anger away while I watched Jaden laugh with delight.

Girl Scout Cookies

It's that time of year again. And of course you have to buy them even if it means an extra hour walk to make up for it. They carry so many memories. I remember selling these things, then buying them for me, then for me and my husband, and now for me, husband, and son! Man, I am getting old good thing I don't have a daughter because then the next step would be taking her around to do it. But there is no way you would ever find me being a troop leader like my mom was it would be scary because man when I go into business leader mode run!

So it's almost the half way point on another month. Knitting is going fantastic. I have become obsessed with Children in Common and have been knitting a sock per day for them. It feels so good to be making something that will help someone who really needs it. This might be this child's only pair of socks without holes in it. Look at me and my over 50 skeins of sock yarn; it brings on the guilt. My FLS is going well I still don't like the O-wool, but I have stopped picking out everything. My friend Leah told me how to fix the problem by washing it at the end in cheap conditioner. Running going okay. I need new shoes! I have decided that for every mile I run that will count as one dollar towards the purchase of new shoes. My reading is slow right now as well. Balance in life is one of the hardest things.

Zhana has been helping me with my Russian a lot and man my heart is just glowing with love for that land. I can't wait to go there! I have been reading a lot about the Revolution and next time all of us Russians and wanna bes get together I am going to ask opinions about it.

STOP

So as if yesterday were not bad enough... Today my work called me in for a staff meeting. Immediately my flags went up because this is weird. They laid off 3/4 of the people in the room including me. Oh and then I had a dentist appointment today where the stupid guy was fixing some old fillings. He slipped with the drill and cut off a chunk of my back gums. I am in more pain than I knew could be possible way more than childbirth. I think I might go in to the ER and see what they can give me because I can't eat or talk without the blood starting to flow again! Oh yeah, and we aren't done. My husbands work laid off another 20 people today and his boss told him to start looking around for more jobs because they are going to be doing that every month until either the employees are all gone or the economy majorly turns around. I swear God if one more bad thing happens I am throwing in the towel. One more will break me. I have no idea what I did to deserve this.

Dear Life

I would like to thank you for your recent application to add more "things" into my life, but at this present moment all of my worry spots are filled up good luck with your hunt for others to impart your "adventures" on.

So my dad called me today and said that he is trying to get back together with my mom. He said she is confused! No crap! He asked me to pray that she would have clarity and choose him. How wonderfully unselfish! Now let me ask you dear father are you doing this because you miss her or because you have been out of work for months and can't afford your rent? Or are you doing it because now that she is almost engaged to another man you want to add a little more confusion to her life? I can't relive the worst years of my life over and over again just because you decide to come back and leave, come back and leave! You are the most selfish person I have ever meet.

One friend out of the hospital doing well and another friend in. I can't even talk about how my heart is breaking right now. I can't even think of all of the times I should have called them just to say hi. I loathe myself for saying oh I don't have the time to talk right now when I didn't know how little time you had left.

It's all weighing down. To have lost so much in barely a month. I just have to try to stay positive or I will lose my mind. I know a lot of friends and family have been texting me saying I should write about Jaden on here so they can read it, but I don't think I will feel like writing or anything for awhile till I can get my head around everything.

Month In Review

So Jan. is over. I still haven't knit up all of the yarn I wanted to, but I will. I am not where I want to be weight wise. Man, okay must find some positives. I did get a lot of knitting done and I have been eating better. I did a ton of reading!

I am feeling a lot better right now. I talked to my friend Leah and I think she gets me. I like things to be fun and mellow. I love listening to my friends when they are having a hard time. I really want to be there for people. Some things can weigh on me. I don't know where I got this peace-maker/keeper mentality, but it is growing stronger as I age. I know life can't always be positive, but I wish we could all "smile on your brother, everybody get together try to love one another right now". Maybe I am wrong in this maybe I need to change my personality. But I really feel that if I was wrong it wouldn't make me physically ill to be around negativity. I know that I probably get annoying to people with my wanting peace and happiness, but I hope they can appreciate that it comes from a real place in me.

Feb. Goals:
~Run 10 miles
~Read 3 books
~Finished Jan. Projects, get far into Feb. Lady Sweater, and do one pair of socks.

Turning Green

I have been struggling a lot lately with being jealous. I really have no idea how to get rid of it. I try to talk myself out of it, but it is still there. I know it is in my nature. Judy and I used to always be the most jealous people in the world. I am getting jealous of everything right now. I am jealous of Will's work and how I am literally stuck here at home with the little guy while he is always gone working. Even when he is here he is working. I am jealous of other people getting to just hang out any time they feel like it. I know it's not true, but it feels like every night everyone is out having fun and I am here cleaning and trying to figure out what a screaming 2 yr. old wants. It's really hard for me. A quote from a movie is haunting me. The quote is saying I hope that you love your life and if ever you don't you have the courage leave everything and start over. Now is it courage or stupidity. Let's say if I were just to leave and do more school like I want and have an actual career like I want is that courage? To abandon everything here. Or is that just selfish? He says wait a couple years and I can go back and do more school, but don't want to wait. I guess I just have to tell myself that I shouldn't be jealous because some people would be jealous of my life. Well, I might trade them some days. I just feel that I miss out on a lot of things.

Hurt So Good

I am really feeling great right now. The workouts are causing me pain, but I am a big believer in no pain no gain! I am running, kickboxing, and lifting weights. A friend took the little one for the day today and I pushed myself like never before! And guess what I ran 7 miles! Holy Crap! I feel freaking awesome. I have only 1lb. left to those from weekend out. Hopefully I can lose it by this weekend. I love my little numbers on the graph going down. Maybe I will celebrate with some Lush bath goodies this weekend!

A note on Wheat Germ. Okay, so seriously this stuff is awesome and really good for you. I have started having yogurt daily. I hate yogurt, but I am eating the Activa one that helps you feel better. I put wheat germ on it and it is fantastic. I hate the texture of yogurt and the wheat germ fixes that problem. I have also added a lot more protein to my diet because with all this muscle building I need it. I tried on this really cute shirt that I want to wear, but was too tight. Well, guess what? It almost fits! I can't wait for the day when I go to the doctor and hear that I don't need to take my pills any longer!

Hidden Teasures, Fast Food Kills, and a Baby Shower

So we got some special gifts this weekend. A "new" used piano and a beautiful art deco glass display case! I get to rearrange the house. One of the downstairs couches is going upstairs and is going to be reupholstered. Then the piano and are deco piece are going in the front room. So those things all worked out great!

I ate more fast food this weekend than I have eaten in almost 5 years. I felt horrible so ever since Monday I have been on a detox lots of fresh fruits and veggies. Tons of water. I couldn't believe it, but I gained 6 lbs. this weekend. Fast food is terrible for you! I even tried to ordered things with mostly veggies. I guess we should have gone to a non-drive through, but man Judy is in love with those places right now. I have to get those 6 lbs. back off or no going out for me.

Judy's baby shower was beautiful! About 50 people came which seemed like a ton all in one place, but then I remind myself that I did have four showers and if you total the people from that it would have been over 80 people in one place. So not as crowded as I think. She got TONS of gifts. Crazy amounts of gifts. I knit her a little dress and booties out of this beautiful bamboo yarn in the colors green and purple. I didn't get to hang out with her much during the shower since she had to talk to everyone. I was the only friend from high school there. It felt good to have known her for so long so much history. Little Olivia will have many playmates because their were 9 other girls there who were also pregnant and having girls. These women were from her church. Everyone said that I dress I made was the cutest dress they had ever seen and could have come from a boutique for $100s. So that felt good.

I am glad deadline knitting is over and now I can focus on changing my life for the better! I am going to focus my energy on shrinking!

Road Trip

Filled to the brim with presents, books, and yarn we set forth. Funny I will be reading aloud On The Road by Jack Kerouac. Kevin picked this book out for our book club. So while on the road we will also be reading it. Funny stuff. Okay, not really that funny. I haven't finished the baby blanket, but I am not giving up hope! Okay, I don't think I will get it done on time so yeah I might have given up deadline hope, but not finishing hope. Getting out the last of the Christmas presents. I can't wait to see Judy and just sit and talk for hours. That's what great friendships are built on simple shared moments. I can't wait for the blanket to be done no more immediate deadlines! I look forward to being able to do other things again without feeling guilty for not working on that blanket. So happy to be on the road going some where. Now all I have to do is avoid running into any ex boyfriends. But they might not even recognize me now. It's a beautiful day outside so off we go!

Ain't No Reason Things Are This Way

Great song by Brett Dennen...


there ain't no reasons things are this way its how they've always been and they intend to stay
i can't explain why we live this way we do it everyday
preachers on the podiums speaking to saints prophets on the sidewalks begging for change old ladies laughing from the fire escape, cursing my name
i got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same a window and a pigeon with a broken wing you can spend your whole life working for something just to have it taken away
people walk around pushing back their desks wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets talking 'bout nothing, not thinking about their every little heart beat, every little breath
people walk a tight rope on a razor's edge carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons it could be a bomb or a bullet or a pin or a thought or a word or a sentence...
love will come set me free i do believe love will come set me free i know it will
prison walls still standing tall some things never change at all keep on building prisons, gonna fill them all. keep on building bombs gonna drop them all
working your fingers bare to the bone breaking your back, make you sell your soul like a lung is filled with coal, suffocating slow
the wind blows wild and i may move but politicians lie and i'm not fooled you don't need no reason or a 3 piece suit to argue the truth
the air on my skin and the world under my toes slavery stitched into the fabric of my clothes chaos and commotion wherever i go
there ain't no reason things are this way its how they've always been and they intend to stay i can't explain why we live this way; we do it everyday.

I love that song it really hits home to me. The thought of we can't make something that is bad better with more bad. Love finding a way through.

Movie:
I just saw Wall-e. Man, this movie destroyed me. All of the trash and broken crap that we didn't even need in the first place filling our surface and our skies. I don't want the world to come to this, but I fear that we are not all on the same boat and that will be what hurts us. I also can't help seeing a reflection in what the movie is saying look at all of the stuff they bought and eventually they had to be dug out of their crap. Why do we fill our lives with crap what are we trying to fill? Because the earth does not have limitless landfills to hold our junk.

Book:
Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates. This book is probably written about people like me, but that people like me should never read. You can see yourself too much in the book. See your own desire to be important. To do something great. Feel that you have all of these wonderful ideas, but no way to impart them. The book really points to that flaw. I am only a little over 1/4 the way through so probably more on it when I am done if I can stomach the rest.

Yarn:
I am going strong on this and have used up so far this month...
~three odd leftover balls
~three full balls of bamboo
~seven full balls of cashmere
I am ready to be done with baby shower knitting and then take a break for a bit. I have made some incredibly cute stuff which I am really proud of!

A Look Both Back and Forward

2008
As with most years it had it's good and bad points. The friend outlook is good. I got to spend a lot of time with my friends. We got to meet new people through a great book club nothing better than smart people! My knitting friends have been great. My best friend got pregnant. Got to visit Door County, Wisconsin for the first time. Great weather in the summer. The Olympics! Obama won!
The bad points. First, RIP Mackenzie Hawkins. I will always treasure all of your cuddles and sweet smiles. Big layoffs at work fortunately we weren't laid off. Still struggling with my body not being where I want it. I stupidly spent money on not one, but two time shares. I will always be mad at myself for that. Didn't get to buy a new car or new computer because of the debt from the time shares.

2009
I want to focus more on my body and run a half or whole marathon in Sept.
I want to read and knit more with what I have instead of always buying new things
I want to reduce debt and save for things like trips
I want to have the whole family be healthier
I want to pay more attention to what is going on in the world
I want to improve my relationships with people
I want to practice my French, Spanish, and Russian more
I want to put the most time into what matters the most to me