Turning Green

I have been struggling a lot lately with being jealous. I really have no idea how to get rid of it. I try to talk myself out of it, but it is still there. I know it is in my nature. Judy and I used to always be the most jealous people in the world. I am getting jealous of everything right now. I am jealous of Will's work and how I am literally stuck here at home with the little guy while he is always gone working. Even when he is here he is working. I am jealous of other people getting to just hang out any time they feel like it. I know it's not true, but it feels like every night everyone is out having fun and I am here cleaning and trying to figure out what a screaming 2 yr. old wants. It's really hard for me. A quote from a movie is haunting me. The quote is saying I hope that you love your life and if ever you don't you have the courage leave everything and start over. Now is it courage or stupidity. Let's say if I were just to leave and do more school like I want and have an actual career like I want is that courage? To abandon everything here. Or is that just selfish? He says wait a couple years and I can go back and do more school, but don't want to wait. I guess I just have to tell myself that I shouldn't be jealous because some people would be jealous of my life. Well, I might trade them some days. I just feel that I miss out on a lot of things.

Hurt So Good

I am really feeling great right now. The workouts are causing me pain, but I am a big believer in no pain no gain! I am running, kickboxing, and lifting weights. A friend took the little one for the day today and I pushed myself like never before! And guess what I ran 7 miles! Holy Crap! I feel freaking awesome. I have only 1lb. left to those from weekend out. Hopefully I can lose it by this weekend. I love my little numbers on the graph going down. Maybe I will celebrate with some Lush bath goodies this weekend!

A note on Wheat Germ. Okay, so seriously this stuff is awesome and really good for you. I have started having yogurt daily. I hate yogurt, but I am eating the Activa one that helps you feel better. I put wheat germ on it and it is fantastic. I hate the texture of yogurt and the wheat germ fixes that problem. I have also added a lot more protein to my diet because with all this muscle building I need it. I tried on this really cute shirt that I want to wear, but was too tight. Well, guess what? It almost fits! I can't wait for the day when I go to the doctor and hear that I don't need to take my pills any longer!

Hidden Teasures, Fast Food Kills, and a Baby Shower

So we got some special gifts this weekend. A "new" used piano and a beautiful art deco glass display case! I get to rearrange the house. One of the downstairs couches is going upstairs and is going to be reupholstered. Then the piano and are deco piece are going in the front room. So those things all worked out great!

I ate more fast food this weekend than I have eaten in almost 5 years. I felt horrible so ever since Monday I have been on a detox lots of fresh fruits and veggies. Tons of water. I couldn't believe it, but I gained 6 lbs. this weekend. Fast food is terrible for you! I even tried to ordered things with mostly veggies. I guess we should have gone to a non-drive through, but man Judy is in love with those places right now. I have to get those 6 lbs. back off or no going out for me.

Judy's baby shower was beautiful! About 50 people came which seemed like a ton all in one place, but then I remind myself that I did have four showers and if you total the people from that it would have been over 80 people in one place. So not as crowded as I think. She got TONS of gifts. Crazy amounts of gifts. I knit her a little dress and booties out of this beautiful bamboo yarn in the colors green and purple. I didn't get to hang out with her much during the shower since she had to talk to everyone. I was the only friend from high school there. It felt good to have known her for so long so much history. Little Olivia will have many playmates because their were 9 other girls there who were also pregnant and having girls. These women were from her church. Everyone said that I dress I made was the cutest dress they had ever seen and could have come from a boutique for $100s. So that felt good.

I am glad deadline knitting is over and now I can focus on changing my life for the better! I am going to focus my energy on shrinking!

Road Trip

Filled to the brim with presents, books, and yarn we set forth. Funny I will be reading aloud On The Road by Jack Kerouac. Kevin picked this book out for our book club. So while on the road we will also be reading it. Funny stuff. Okay, not really that funny. I haven't finished the baby blanket, but I am not giving up hope! Okay, I don't think I will get it done on time so yeah I might have given up deadline hope, but not finishing hope. Getting out the last of the Christmas presents. I can't wait to see Judy and just sit and talk for hours. That's what great friendships are built on simple shared moments. I can't wait for the blanket to be done no more immediate deadlines! I look forward to being able to do other things again without feeling guilty for not working on that blanket. So happy to be on the road going some where. Now all I have to do is avoid running into any ex boyfriends. But they might not even recognize me now. It's a beautiful day outside so off we go!

Ain't No Reason Things Are This Way

Great song by Brett Dennen...


there ain't no reasons things are this way its how they've always been and they intend to stay
i can't explain why we live this way we do it everyday
preachers on the podiums speaking to saints prophets on the sidewalks begging for change old ladies laughing from the fire escape, cursing my name
i got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same a window and a pigeon with a broken wing you can spend your whole life working for something just to have it taken away
people walk around pushing back their desks wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets talking 'bout nothing, not thinking about their every little heart beat, every little breath
people walk a tight rope on a razor's edge carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons it could be a bomb or a bullet or a pin or a thought or a word or a sentence...
love will come set me free i do believe love will come set me free i know it will
prison walls still standing tall some things never change at all keep on building prisons, gonna fill them all. keep on building bombs gonna drop them all
working your fingers bare to the bone breaking your back, make you sell your soul like a lung is filled with coal, suffocating slow
the wind blows wild and i may move but politicians lie and i'm not fooled you don't need no reason or a 3 piece suit to argue the truth
the air on my skin and the world under my toes slavery stitched into the fabric of my clothes chaos and commotion wherever i go
there ain't no reason things are this way its how they've always been and they intend to stay i can't explain why we live this way; we do it everyday.

I love that song it really hits home to me. The thought of we can't make something that is bad better with more bad. Love finding a way through.

Movie:
I just saw Wall-e. Man, this movie destroyed me. All of the trash and broken crap that we didn't even need in the first place filling our surface and our skies. I don't want the world to come to this, but I fear that we are not all on the same boat and that will be what hurts us. I also can't help seeing a reflection in what the movie is saying look at all of the stuff they bought and eventually they had to be dug out of their crap. Why do we fill our lives with crap what are we trying to fill? Because the earth does not have limitless landfills to hold our junk.

Book:
Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates. This book is probably written about people like me, but that people like me should never read. You can see yourself too much in the book. See your own desire to be important. To do something great. Feel that you have all of these wonderful ideas, but no way to impart them. The book really points to that flaw. I am only a little over 1/4 the way through so probably more on it when I am done if I can stomach the rest.

Yarn:
I am going strong on this and have used up so far this month...
~three odd leftover balls
~three full balls of bamboo
~seven full balls of cashmere
I am ready to be done with baby shower knitting and then take a break for a bit. I have made some incredibly cute stuff which I am really proud of!

A Look Both Back and Forward

2008
As with most years it had it's good and bad points. The friend outlook is good. I got to spend a lot of time with my friends. We got to meet new people through a great book club nothing better than smart people! My knitting friends have been great. My best friend got pregnant. Got to visit Door County, Wisconsin for the first time. Great weather in the summer. The Olympics! Obama won!
The bad points. First, RIP Mackenzie Hawkins. I will always treasure all of your cuddles and sweet smiles. Big layoffs at work fortunately we weren't laid off. Still struggling with my body not being where I want it. I stupidly spent money on not one, but two time shares. I will always be mad at myself for that. Didn't get to buy a new car or new computer because of the debt from the time shares.

2009
I want to focus more on my body and run a half or whole marathon in Sept.
I want to read and knit more with what I have instead of always buying new things
I want to reduce debt and save for things like trips
I want to have the whole family be healthier
I want to pay more attention to what is going on in the world
I want to improve my relationships with people
I want to practice my French, Spanish, and Russian more
I want to put the most time into what matters the most to me